


Sora is Assassinated by the Dole Dippers Penguin

by UglyTurnip



Category: Kingdom Hearts, TV Commercials
Genre: Assassination, Character Death, Gen, Humor, I can’t believe Sora is fucking dead, Joke Fic, Kinda Humor, Memes, Offensive Humor, Parody, Snacks & Snack Food, but I don’t like it either, cyanide - Freeform, don’t take this seriously, hatefic, i don’t actually hate kingdom hearts, i wrote this on lunch break, your Dole Dippers madam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 00:59:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UglyTurnip/pseuds/UglyTurnip
Summary: Tainted Dole Dippers cause Sora to meet his ultimate fate.





	Sora is Assassinated by the Dole Dippers Penguin

"Boy howdy, I sure do love existing within this Disney crossover hellhole we call life," Sora declared as he pranced around Traverse Town like a little dork. His Keyblade swung from side-to-side, scraping against the ground with a sickening series of clinks. It drove the whole town insane, it did, but the folk did little to stop him, lest they were to find themselves impaled through the chest as a result of Sora's autistic rage.

"Donald, Goofy!" Sora shouted. "Let's go save the wororororold!" Sora ordered mightily, pointing his key-shaped weapon at stars yet unknown. What kind of man uses a key as a weapon, anyway? Haha, what a dork.

"Oh, gawsh," Goofy moaned dejectedly. "Not another one of his 'adventures', again. Please, God. Kill me now."

"Cheer up, Goofy," Donald whispered to his canine compatriot. "I have a plan to get rid of this little autist once and for all!"

From the shadows of a dark alleyway emerged one of the most powerful, godliest characters in the Disney cinematic universe: the Dole Dippers Penguin. He walked confidently and obediently towards the trio, carrying a platter of delicious Dole Dipper morsels. Despite his choice of gait, however the Dole Dipper Penguin was no lowly servant. Indeed, even Jafar, Clayton, and Ursula feared him beyond any rational comprehension.

But there was one that did not fear him, and that was Sora. His brain was simply too tiny to know fear. What an idiot sandwich.

"Your Dole Dippers, madam," the Penguin offered in his typical posh tone.

"Thanks!" Sora exclaimed gleefully as he popped a piece into his mouth, ignoring the very fact that he had been misgendered. As he chewed, his grin only grew. "Mmmm, this is delicious. What are these made out of?"

"The usual, madam: chocolate, sugar, and"- the Penguin adopted a sinister glare-"crushed up cyanide pills."

Sora swallowed. "What's cyanide-"

Instantly, Sora's eyes widened. Doubling over, Sora coughed. His eyes widened. As his face began to change into an array of sickening colors, he reached out desperately to the people he called his friends. They did nothing but watch. There was fear in his eyes, but also something else that could not be so easily identified. Was it hurt? Was it desperation? Was it the wrath of a dying man at the end of his wits? Maybe it was mere agony, but none could say for certain.

Eventually, bits of foam dripped from Sora's gaping mouth. He fell to the ground, reached out one last time, then went limp.

They waited in silence, waiting and waiting and waiting some more to make sure Sora was gone for good. If he deserved one thing, any tiny ounce of pity, it was for him to be truly departed before they celebrated.

At last, Donald sighed. "Thank you, Dole Dipper Penguin. You have freed us from our immortal curse."

The Dole Dipper Penguin smiled. "The check cleared this morning, Dear Donald. It was a pleasure doing business with you."

"The same to you," Donald remarked with no large amount of emotion.

With that, the Dole Dipper Penguin turned around and waddled back into the alleyway, the darkness swallowing him once more.

Donald eyed the corpse one more time, then turned to Goofy. There was joy on his face, real joy. At last, their suffering was over.

"C'mon, old friend," Donald remarked with a soft smile. "Let's go home."

"Sounds good to me!" Goofy cheered, and they turned their backs on Sora and this wretched franchise forever.


End file.
